J David Macor

I get spam comments; loads of them. In fact, I am overwhelmed with them. Sure, most of my comments are spam free (or I take care of that as soon as possible), but that is only because of the wonderful spam filtering that I have. I still get to look at the kind of spam I get. And you know what? I think that my spam is personal; they are like little messages about my soul. Now I am going to share with you how to truly read your spam.

What I have created here for you is a way to interpret your spam. Believe it or not, your spam knows you better than you know yourself! Consider this as a type of guide; you know, like the ones in the back of trashy supermarket tabloids.

Type of Spam

• No Message

  Having a spam comment that doesn’t actually have any text shows that you are empty and alone. You always find yourself wanting more, but you can never find it.

• Just a Link

  If your spam comment only has a link, then you are the type of person that likes everything fast and to the point. You like fast food, fast net connections and fast one night stands; man are you shallow.

• Short Message with Spelling Errors

  This most common spam message signifies your wanting to spend time on the things in your life, yet you lack the will to completely follow through. Perhaps you are lazy or maybe just a little dumb.

• Massive, Page Long Messages

  These behemoths are reserved for those with way too much time on their hands. You always went the extra mile; and then some. What a suck up…

Spam Keywords

• Mortgage Refinancing

  There are money troubles in your future. You need to solve these cash problems soon, or else GoDaddy might sell off your domain!

• Viagra

  Your love life is floundering. You need to re-spark the romance; or perhaps spark it for the first time ever. Either way, get out of the basement and into the light of day!

• Ford Cars

  You are finding that getting around is becoming more and more difficult. Not even those fancy ergonomic chairs are helping. Soon you will actually become molded into your couch.

• Help Feed Africans

  You are starting to put on some pounds and feel down about yourself. You are just eating too much! So much so, that you are affecting the world’s supply of food.

WARNING: This was only a joke. Please do not take me seriously. Ever. Should you need advice, consult a real spam reader…